Trust

Wisdom is letting go of something every day ~ Zen saying

I haven't always trusted myself. From adolescence until young adulthood I questioned myself, my motivation, my competence, my determination. I use to devote myself to rigid schedules, fearful that if I didn't force myself to meet my goals, I'd wander aimlessly and achieve little. As if sloth sat waiting to pounce at the first sign of weakness. And maybe there was some truth there, but it also meant that I spent too much of my time being self-critical and worrying about failure.

It's not like I woke up one morning with an abundance of faith in my ability to move through my life successfully. Instead, after several painful life experiences, I've come to understand that there is a time for everything. That I can learn to trust myself to work hard in pursuit of the greater good, suffer hardship for future reward, but also move away from things that no longer serve my purpose. I've learned that letting go of something right now doesn't mean letting go of it forever. That rest isn't the same as laziness, that productivity isn't the same as satisfaction.

This means that my writing has an ebb and flow to it that doesn't always suit my timelines. That there are periods of time when I feel like I have more and less space to live in the fictional worlds I have created. I use to feel guilty about this, used to question my commitment to being a writer. Now I see it as something more intrinsic to living a satisfying life. Deadlines aside, I'm learning to be more flexible about my approach to meeting goals and I'm learning to trust that the story will come, not only when I make space for it, but when I have space for it.

It means that I may not be the most prolific writer, at least not when I have so many other commitments in my my life. It means that the arbitrary goals I set for myself (20K this month!) may or may not be met. It means that my best laid plans will sometimes go astray. But I hope it also means that I'll enjoy a long career as a writer who has merged a passion for writing with manifesto of self-compassion. 

"When asked, 'How do you write?' I invariably answer, 'one word at a time.'” - Stephen King